I recently got in touch with a friend who meant quite a lot to me twenty years ago. I obviously contacted her because she was such an important part of my life, one of the few friends I had in my awkward teenage years, and I wanted to re-establish contact. She e-mailed me that, yes, we should reconnect, but in person or at least outside the constricting boundaries of FACEBOOK. I promised her I'd send her a long e-mail updating her on my life. I have yet to send such an e-mail.
What do I say to this person? I don't want to look like I'm complaining and looking for pity, but I don't want to be one of those lame sitcom characters who pretends they're doing great when they go to their high school reunion when really their life is a disaster. I want to explain certain things to her. . . reasons why during the last year or so we hung out I was absolutely no fun to be around. . . what's been going on in the past decade (we did reconnect for a short visit after college).
So what do I do? Lie and only focus on the good? Tell the whole boring lame schpiel I'm so tired of telling? Something in-between? In reintroducing yourself to an old friend, how much backstory do you give?
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Something in between. I have been reconnecting with old friends lately, but they don't know even half of what the last couple of decades have been like. I figure if I dump it all out there at the start, they'll freak, think I'm too high maintenance to bother with, and that'll be it.
You can tell your friend you know you were no fun to be with that last year, and tell them you'll explain at some point but you don't have to give details right off the bat.
With my friends I've mostly focused on the good, but they've had hints there's been more brewing in the background And we'll get around to that eventually. Until then, we're just getting to know each other all over again.
I had written a comment that basically said what Thumper says, but I always have trouble posting comments to your blog for some reason. Anyway....yeah....what Thumper says.
T-Mo
yes. Definitely start with the good. I recently got together with an old friend. We went out to dinner and immediately she dumped so much on me that I just wanted to get out of there. It was too much, too soon. I felt like I had to save her right then and there. After dinner we went to a play and then for drinks. After a few drinks, she loosened up. We laughed a lot and I felt much more at ease. I didn't feel like I held her life in my hands. She didn't pretend that everything was ok but things were much lighter. We got together again this week and it was a good mix of good and not so good.
You are such a funny person, don't let your friend miss out on that side of you!!
Perhaps ask youself why you want to reconnect. Do you have fond memories of this person in particular, or of the time that you knew them. You might also have fond memories (through rose coloured glasses) of yourself long ago.
Regardless, I would treat the meeting as a social occasion and let the friendship reignite naturally, and open up as the situation arises.
Good luck.
Klaatu
I'm really not in a position to advise others on social niceties. I recognize this and try to avoid spouting off at the slightest provocation.
But I will say this.
I reconnected with an old friend a couple years ago, and in my first email, I didn't want to seem like some sad sack, so I kept it at a pretty superficial level and put a bright happy little spin on my frumpy little life.
Then she wrote back and told me about how her sister drank herself to death and how messed up she was over that.
I felt like an ass.
I think there's a way to be both honest and at the same time avoid dumping on someone, but I sure don't know how to do it.
I think it's kind of like how some people can say critical things in such a nice way. I always just sound like a bitch.
I have a friend, a sort of mentor who always tells me to be both honest and kind, which really sometimes seems like an impossible burden.
Anyway, I guess this isn't so much advice as "wow, I feel for ya there Carli."
Good luck with that.
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