Mel Gibson has reached out to the Jewish community for help in understanding his drunken, anti-semitic rants. And I'm thinking, I have some time. I'm Jewish. I will take on the awesome responsibility of rehabilitating Mr. Gibson.
First, I'm going to do that thing they used to do on shows like Little House on the Prairie when Pa Ingalls was rapid detoxing one of the Walnut Grove drunks, prairie-style. You remember. He'd fill a wooden barrel with cold water from down in the creek and play dunk the drunk until the poor guy (usually Victor French) promised never to touch Mrs. Oleson's Mercantile Moonshine ag'in. Only instead of water, I'm filling the barrel with Manischewitz Concord Grape wine--athough, in light of your OTHER problem, Mel Boy, I'm willing to go for a barrel of gefilte fish jelly.
Then, Mr. Gibson, we're going to sit down at the ol' TV and start the harrowing process of reprogramming your jew-hating lil' mind. (Try not to get jelly on the couch.) And to do that, we're going to watch Chicken Soup, the short-lived Jackie Mason/Lynn Redgrave "mismatched couple" comedy from 1989. I admit this is probably more of a punishment than an opportunity to learn, and I'm pretty sure it's going to leave you hating Jews even more than you do now. Still, I haven't seen the show since 1990, and I think you still have enough pull (and money!) to lay your paws on some old tapes of Chicken Soup. They're probably hidden away somewhere in the underbelly of ABC's archives, along with every other show they're ashamed of. . . you know, like your Complete Savages. If you really want to make amends to the Jewish community, Mr. Gibson, you will get me those tapes. And while you're at it, see what you can do about finding The Charmings. Remember? They were fairytale characters, living in the here and now!
Finally, I'm trapping you in a windowless room with Mandy Patinkin, who will pontificate on all the great accomplishments of the Jewish people--mostly himself. This is also a punishment for Mandy. I'm sorry, but Criminal Minds is just not a good show. You know what I like? That Cold Case. Yes, maybe when you're done hating me, we shall sit down together and break bread over a good episode of Cold Case. And when I start pointing out stuff like some random guest star who was on an episode of ALF in 1987, and that Alf's real name was Gordon Shumway--well, you can learn to hate me for reasons not at all related to my religion.
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15 comments:
Nice post.
I could see Mandy Patinkin and Mel Gibson becoming good friends once they sort out their issues. Or rather, once Mel sorts out his issues with the chosen folkses through Mandy. That would actually be a good sitcom: Mandy & Mel.
Let the hijinx ensue!
I think the pilot should open with the two of them sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching The Princess Bride.
At first I thought Mandy would be a good fit with Mel, too, BUT there was that time he allowed himself to portray the devil on "Touched By an Angel." I gotta question the advisability of that.
But I do love Criminal Minds and I hate Cold Case. Hmmmmm.
We'll just have to agree on hating Mel. Where is the Mel Gibson I used to love who fought in the Thunder Dome and kicked ass on Lethal Weapon I? (I refuse to include II, III, and IV as they stunk.) Mel Gibson is a whacko who makes Tom Cruise look sane.
Whoo hoo! (applause) I absolutely loved that post. You go!
I don't even know where to start about Mel. Man. What a mess!
Thanks for the kind words on my blog! Winning the Extreme Makeover's the best thing that's happened to me in years! Be sure to check back this weekend for my "after" pictures!
Take care!
Love this post - of course, I love most things that involve Mandy, but I have been so entrenched in motherhood I didn't even know he had a new show - so I can't call myself too big a fan...I will have to settle for reruns of Chicago Hope (are those even on????)
no, Chicago Hope, to my knowledge, has not been on in syndication in many years, which is a shame. . . like a lot of David E. Kelley's work, it tended towards the quirky for quirky sake with a dash of sanctimony, but I still loved it. In fact, in 1998, you could spend an entire night watching ER and CH--ER was on TNT at 7, in reruns. CH was on Lifetime at 8 (reruns), CBS at 9 (new), and ER was on at 10 (new). It's hard to believe that CH, in the shadow of ER (going into season 13, asleep on its feet), was actually a moderately succussful show lasting 6 respectable seasons--my favorites of which were 2-5.
Wait! I'm wrong! It was 99! It was 99!
Hello, Michele sent me.
Good post.
He's going to need sexual harrassment training too...supposedely he said "What are you looking at sugar tits?" to a female cop!
here from Michele
*laughs* Well done! ;) I think there could be quite an interesting little side business in the reprogramming of certain celebrities...
Thanks for dropping by today. :)
greetings from michele...
so much is happening with Mel. my question is why is anyone suprised by another persons vitirol.
hes an actor and a director, not a saint. is he a jackass, sure, but he was a jackass before this, too.
I don't know if anyone's surprised so much as interested. . . he's a public figure, and he's never so bluntly stated his opinions before. . . and it's rare to see a public figure talk like that.
It would be enough to drive Mel to drink again.
Bravo to you, Carli, for finding the humor in what is essentially a humorless situation. The train wreck that is Mel Gibson has been lurching toward this point for years, and his pleas for help notwithstanding, I suspect it will continue indefinitely.
Leopards, after all, find it rather difficult to change their spots. His degree of hatred, instilled in him by his Jew-hating, Holocaust-denying dad, doesn't just go away with the release of a carefully-crafted PR-filtered message of apology.
To answer your e-mailed question, this nails the adult audience in a direct, effective manner. A memorable, solid piece of writing.
I have skimmed past more than a dozen posts about the Mel situation in the last couple of days, but yours was refreshing.
Mmmmm. I'm not Jewish (though I was married by a Rabbi) but I sure love Manischewitz Concord Grape wine, Carli. It's soooo sweet! Passover was great 'cause we'd always have some of that sweet wine on hand.
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