It's Not Summertime, But the Living is Febreezy

Tonight, I wanted to Swiffer my floors. (I know, I haven't blogged in eternity, and I open with housecleaning. Fun!) Anyway, I couldn't find the cloths to attach to my Swiffer Sweeper, and was contemplating whether it was worth going out to buy more. And then, I noticed the box on top of my wall unit and had this retartedly boring conversation with myself.

AHA! There's the box!
AHA! But it's empty!
AHA! But there's a coupon inside.

I was almost hoping the coupon was expired, so I could continue saying "AHA." But it wasn't. And speaking of AHA, TAKE ON ME is, like, the best video ever. (MUST. BANG. SELF. AGAINST. WALL. MUST. GET. THE. CARTOON. OUT.)

Anyway, I headed on out to pick up a new box of Swiffer Sweeper cloths, giddy in the knowledge that I had a $.50 off coupon that I bet the suckers at Proctor and Gamble never thought I'd use when they printed it on the box.

Of course, my giddiness turned to despair when I got to A&P and found that the cloths were $8.50! $8 fucking 50 for a box of disposable cloths to drag across the floor? But then I noticed that not only was it a double-sized box (and I do go through these things pretty quickly--I'm a shedder), but that Swiffer Sweeper cloths were now endowed with the blissful freshness of. . . wait for it. . . wait for it. . . Febreze.

So even though there were smaller, cheaper boxes, I totally bought into the idea of laminate floors delicately fragranced with the soothing lavender and vanilla only Febreze can deliver. (Oh, shit. It just occurred to me: My mother is going to read this and say, "Are you sure that's safe for your floor? The Febreze might warp the fake wood and give your cat asthma attacks and turn you into a Smurf. And not one of the cute Smurfs. And you know the Smurfs were anti-semites.")


Anyway, Proctor and Gamble has been at this for a while. Somewhere, sometime, giant conglomerates like them realized they could play off the popularity of the thousands of products they each make by slapping the label of one product with the logo of another. This is how you get Crest toothpaste with the power of Scope, Puff's tissues with the invigorating (read: you will want to saw off your nose) scent of Vick's vapors, and, of course, Febreze on almost everything else P&G makes.

Febreze has come a long way since making its debut about a decade ago as a fabric refresher spray rumored to kill pets. (They're just rumors. Except for birds. Don't test it. Your bird could die. . . just like my bird did when my sister stepped on him when I was in fifth grade. Sorry, sis. Some wounds never heal. Like the one you left on my bird when you fell on top of him.) Here's a sampling of the Febreze-enhanced products on the market:
Mr. Clean Magic Erasers with Febreze (I just bought these today, too.)
The aforementioned Swiffer Sweepers with Febreze
Bounce fabric softener with Febreze
Downy fabric softener with Febreze
Tide detergent with Febreze

And then there's
Tide detergent with Downy fabric softener
And here's where it gets downright weird:
Tide detergent with Dawn.

That last one is new. I think Proctor and Gamble is taking this double-branding thing too far. Dawn is dishwashing soap. What exactly is the point here? Our detergent isn't good enough on its own, so now you need detergent mixed with dish soap? Am I supposed to wash my dishes and my clothes in the same washing machine? (That wasn't rhetorical. I actually tried this about 10 minutes ago, and I'm a little afraid of the results. No, no. I joke. I joke because I love.)

But really, it's getting kind of ridiculous. And the sad thing is, it WORKS. Or at least it works with me. I see these products and think, "Wow. Two brands in one. It's like Jetsons Meets the Flintstones!" But I'm wondering how far they're going to take it. Proctor and Gamble, after all, makes Always Maxi Pads and Pepto Bismol. Could Febreze freshness help ladies feel clean during "that time of the month," or would it just give them nasty rashes on their hoo-has? And who's to say they have to stop with their own brands! Cheerios with Febreze marshmallows! Nike Air 'Breze! Chemotherapy: now with the healing power of Febreze!

In the immortal words of whoever does the voice over on the commercials, "Spray on, freshness lovers."