Feeling Not So Groovy

My OCD has been, in recent months, under much better control than it had been. I'm not saying it's never there, or even that it's never NOT there, but I'm handling it better and it's not as intense. My therapist even commented recently that I smiled two weeks in a row.

But right now? Right now I feel terrible. I can't believe I lived like this day in and day out for months and even years at a time. What changed this week? My p-doc doubled the dosage of one of my medications (we are trying to work on my ADD-type symptoms), and it's making me jittery and unable to concentrate at all. My brain is mush. I was pacing quickly back and forth on the train platform tonight, and if I was another person looking at me, I'd be afraid of me. And since I'm jittery and nervous, my compulsions have gotten worse.

My current plan is to try to ride it out, and hope that the side effects go away and I'll finally be able to focus. I left a message for my p-doc, too. But at least this is a reminder that I never want to live like this again.

I also know that if I was feeling like this 2 years ago, I'd probably get drunk or eat an entire pizza or call a friend crying hysterically or literally bang my head against the wall. A few years older and a few years wiser, I know that going crazy while you're going crazy is not a good idea.

UPDATE: A reprieve

Right after I finished this entry, my p-doc called and decided the double-dose of Wellbutrin isn't for me. We'll try something else. Hopefully I'll return to normal (well, my normal) in a few days.

Also, I made some really good steamed trout in the microwave using a Ziploc steam bag.