Wendell Gets a Joke

This blog will be going private on Monday, February 15. Thank you to all who have read and commented over the years. If you know me, you can find me on Facebook.

I may start a new blog sometime in the future. I'll pause while you squeal with joy. There.

Best,
Carli

Conversation With the Asshole Cat

Me: Why do you smell like wood chips?
Wendell: Why do you eat your emotions?


Cold, feline.

Next to Normal Mashup

Sorry, my non-N2N peeps; my brain is possessed.

"Didn't I See This Other Movie?"

Diana:
Didn't I see this movie with Han Solo and ewoks?
Produced and distributed by 20th Century Fox
Isn't this the one where Luke finds out he's Vader's son?
And a girl with a bad haircut cries out, "Help me, Obi-Wan?"

Madden: Actually, you're thinking of three different Star Wars movies made between 1977 and 1983.

Diana:
What makes you think I'd use the Force for you?
I'm no Jedi ho. I'm not C-3PO.
I ain't no green-skinned Muppet in a swamp for you.
I'm no Dark-side loving goth.
I'm no ice queen of Hoth.

Didn't I see this movie where the empire struck back?
And the rebels had to fend off a big Death Star attack?
I don't have a light saber or a beeping little droid
All I have is Dr. Madden, and I'm annoyed. Annooooyyyeed. I'm really. . .

A POST THAT WILL MAKE SENSE TO A FEW NEXT TO NORMAL FANS, AND NO ONE ELSE

Then again, when do my posts ever make much sense to anyone?

Anyhoo, in honor of Alice Ripley's birthday, I'm going to ghostwrite a memoir, called "She Only Pours the Kashi: The Tragic Tell-All Story of an Unopened Box of Weetabix."

Also, on a mostly unrelated matter, I'm thinking of having a t-shirt made that says, "Suspend Disbelief, Mother Fucker!"

Several Random Thoughts

I choked on a chicken bone earlier today. It was pretty scary. At first it felt like it was just going down wrong but then I realized it was stuck. I could breathe, but only in between really nasty cough/gags. The ER is only two or three blocks from my apartment, and I was prepared to run over there while I could still sort of breathe (probably not the best plan) when I coughed it out. Pretty scary. I tried doing the Heimlich on myself but it was really half-assed. Like, I slapped my chest with my fist like you do on Yom Kippur. Anyway, now my throat hurts despite four hot chocolates. Yup. Four. Tea would have been better, I know.

I totally rocked Chanukah this year. I mean, Chanukah was my freaking bitch. I gave kickass gifts my family loved, including my two little nieces. I love seeing the look on peoples' faces when they open a gift I've given them and they like it. For the second year in a row, the creme fraiche whipped soap I got from ETSY were a big hit. So were the Zoobies. And I got some really nice stuff, too, like an immersion blender. I can't wait to use it enthusiastically for a month and then lose interest and send it to the end of the cabinet where kitchen accessories go to die.

I saw Next to Normal again on Friday--I'm keeping to my "once a month" plan. For the first time in a long time, my OCD started acting up and I had trouble concentrating. I don't know if it's because I was nervous about work stuff, or really excited about the night (seeing it with friends, with front row seats), or if the weather is exasperating my symptoms, or because I've seen the show so many times that my mind wanders, but I zonked out during a bunch of songs. What I did see, though, was awesome as always. I just hate having that feeling again and hope I can overcome it. I used one of the techniques my therapist taught me to stay in the here and now, and it sort of worked.

I saw Ragtime tonight. I cried five different times. A beautiful production. I thought I wouldn't like the skeletal set, much different than the elaborate display of the original production, but it worked for me. It seemed appropriate for the early industrial age in which the show takes place. My one complaint is Coalhouse's walking-powered car. I felt he should be wearing a Fred Flinstone costume while driving it.

OK, now I'm sugar crashing. More later. . .

I Love The Kitty

Another Re-Written Sound of Music Scene

MARIA (sings)

. . . When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

MARTA: Does it really work?

MARIA: Of course it does. You try it. What things do you like?

MARTA: Pussy willows!

LOUISA: Christmas!

GRETL Bunny rabbits!

KURT: Snakes!

BRIGITTA: Chocolate icing!

FRIEDRICH: Strangling bunnies!

LIESL: Telegrams!

LOUISA: Christmas presents!

BRIGITTA: Any--wait, Friedrich, did you just say "strangling bunnies"? What the FUCK, man?

FRIEDRICH: I thought we were naming our favorite things?

LIESL: You enjoy strangling bunnies?

KURT: That's fucked up. You know, animal abuse is one of the first indicators that you'll grow up to be a serial killer.

FRIEDRICH: You know what? My mother's dead. I have to wear a retarded sailor suit everyday. If strangling a few insignificant bunnies makes me feel better, so be it.

MARTA: There are other ways, you know? Why don't you try taking up painting? Or Tae-Bo?

GRETL: Violence is never the answer, Friedrich.

FRIEDRICH: What, like all of your favorite things are so great? Doorbells, Frulein Maria? Doorbells? Doorbells aren't fun. I really think you stuck that one in there as filler.

MARIA: Ooh, I just thought of another one! Easter bonnets!

[All give her a blank stare]

MARIA: Aren't we all still naming our favorite things?

KURT: Have you not been listening, lady? My brother is strangling bunnies.

MARIA: Oh, well, that's fine, Kurt, we'll just fit it into the song. Now, let's see. "Creme colored ponies and crisp apple strudel. Doorbells and sleighbells and strang-a-ling bunnies." That works, right?

LIESL: (To other children) This one's got to go right away.

FRIEDRICH: I'll go get my gloves.

Those of you without cats can ignore this one. Actually, those of you with cats should probably ignore it, too.

Dear Wendell:
Just because you didn't see Mommy put the noms in the bowl doesn't mean the noms aren't already in the bowl. You don't need to stand at the bowl and cry. Just eat the fucking food that's already there.

Love,
Mommy.

P.S. I know we use the term "yum yum" in this apartment, but I'm using noms because lately I've seen a lot of really cute lolcats saying it, and also because we may be the only ones who call it yum yum.

Who wants yum yum? Whoooo wants yum yum? Good boy! Good boy! Who's a good kitty? Who's a good kitty? YOU are!

More Black Friday Fun at Target

Alright, which of these did I do today?
(Obviously this is a trick question. . .)


1. Offer my shopping cart to someone who clearly needed one and say, "Don't worry. I don't really need it. I'm just here buying Christmas ornaments for some cats."

2. Ask, "Do you think G0d sent Jesus to die for our sins so we could buy discounted Barbie dolls?" even though I'm Jewish, and don't really believe in G0d, and was talking to a total stranger.

3. Walk up to a woman stocking a shelf with Battleship games and say, with a completely straight face, "Excuse me, do you have any more Battleship games?"


Wow. I am really desperate to make my life interesting.