Last night I dreamed I killed myself. Or at least I think I killed myself. Maybe I lived. I think I woke up before I found out. I just remember taking a handful of Klonopin, and then realizing I hadn't taken enough. And there were all these people there I didn't know, and they were kind of pissed that I took the pills, and one of them tried to get them away from me. . . so I took out several more and threw them in my mouth and chewed them and swallowed them, even though they're SO not chewable and I'd probably gag to death before the pills killed me.
That's not what bothers me, though. Dreams are dreams. They don't always tell the truth. (My mother thinks the dream was influenced by recent news reports about Heath Ledger. You know pre-school teachers are experts at dream interpretation.) What bothers me is that when I woke up, I was happy; I was calm and comfortable and I wanted to fall asleep again to see where else the dream might go.
So that brings up the question: If I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I'm making progress, if slow progress, towards my goals, why does the idea of killing myself make me so comfortable?
Clearly, I'm not about to swallow a bottle of pills. For one, I only have like 7 of the good ones left. For another, I'm just not suicidal. And there are WAY too many movies on my DVR right now. I will not die without seeing Vertigo, dammit! But the dream did bring up some questions I'd like the answers to. I'm getting out more, I'm getting on with my life, I'm taking my meds and they're doing an okay job--but I guess there's something comforting about the idea of not having to deal with anything ever again. And I guess I have something to talk about Tuesday with
I should start sleeping with the television on again. Then all I'd dream about is Frazier and South Park and an infomercial for the Magic Bullet blender system. . . which, by the way, I totally want. You can make an omelet in, like, 12 seconds.
4 comments:
Have you considered that perhaps what made your psyche happy is the fact that you woke up? That knowing it was no more than a dream and that you could sleep and wake and go on with your life is what ws important?
Sometimes our emotions in our dreams don't make sense in reality. They are after all, dreams.
I dreamed my mom and I got in a fight and when I woke up I was mad at her. I had to keep reminding myself all day that I had no reason to be mad at her because the emotional response stayed even as the dream faded.
It's not about killing yourself in reality. What it means is that you are leaving behind your old self...that part of you is "dying" as you are creating a "new" you. The old Carli and now the new Carli! Get it???
A good video about dreams that I just watched is Remembering and Interpreting Dreams on YouTube. The author, Dr. Judith Orloff has written many books which explain how dreams are our intuition and explain how our intuition plays a significant role in our physical, sexual and mental health. I hope you find it interesting.
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