Dear Old Navy

Bunny is not a color.
Ditto for monkey.
A-NEE-MALS. We call these things A-NEE-MALS.

Secret Paws

Yes, I signed my cat up for a Secret Paw. We get a letter from a cat in the cat blogosphere and buy that cat a gift. And someone answers Wendell's letter.
And then my mother reads about it on my blog and says, "Are you out of your mind?"
And I say, "It's a $10 limit and it's fun."
Although, last year I overnighted the gift so that Mr. Tigger would have his gift by Christmas.
Because cats know what day it is, and I am fucking insane.

This is Wendell's letter this year:

I like jingly balls and mousies and cardboard boxes and pole toys and bubbles and most anything I can chase after.

I've never eaten a cat treat in my life. I find the flavor profiles unpleasing to my palate. Also sometimes I eat things I'm not supposeda, so Mom doesn't let me have anything I can swallow, like tinsel or really little plastic toys.

Thanks, Santa Paws!
Your pal,
Wendell

Hey #4: Henry and Natalie Get Some Pie

For my N2N Peeps:
Follows the structure (or tries to) of Hey #1

Henry: Hey,
Natalie: Hey
Henry: Can we go get some pie? 'Cause I really want pie.
I am starved.
Natalie: You'll get by.

Henry: Hey,Hey,They have coconut cream And it's only 3 bucks
Natalie: This place sucks.
Henry: Don't be mean.

Natalie: My fork has a spot
Henry: Should I get pecan or what?
Natalie: And our waiter's a mime
Henry: Or maybe key lime. . .
Natalie: An actual mime!

Henry: Hey! Hey!
Natalie: Henry, stop! Stop naming pies!
Henry: Strawberry rhuuuuuuuuuubarb! What the Hell is a rhubarb?

Natalie: I think it's a fruit.
Henry: No, from what I've observed, I think it's an herb.

Hey, say, This is good f*cking pie. Won't you give it a try? It's blueberry, can't you see?
That it's warm and yummy?
Natalie: I don't like pie
Henry: Eat this pie with me??????
Natalie: Goodbye, Henry.

Tampon Chicken

It was very hard, while in the grocery line buying tampons and a chicken, to NOT say to the guy next to me, "I'm making tampon chicken. Yeah, it's a secret I picked up from Real Simple Magazine. The tampons hold in the stuffing and absorb some of the fat without letting the bird dry out."

And yet, I held my tongue.

Right Now

This is the exercise I'm supposed to use to focus and not freak out:

Right now I am seeing, and what I am seeing is words crawling across the screen.

Right now I am smelling, and what I am smelling is my recently washed grey hoodie, which is a little stinky nonetheless.

Right now I am hearing, and what I am hearing is someone who isn't me coughing and the footsteps of my boss.

Right now I am tasting, and what I am tasting is something sour.

Right now I am touching, and what I feel is the keyboard keys beneath my fingers and the wetness of my jeans around the ankles, from the rain.

Right now I am catastrophising, and what I am catastrophising is that I will not get done what I need to get done.

Right now I am working.

Why I Hate That My Mother Has Portable E-Mail Access

Email Subject: Diame Ladd (spelled that way)
> Just met her in a store. Could you imdb her and tell us what she was in?
>
>
>
> Sent on the go from my Peek
>

My reply:

She was nominated for an Oscar for the film "Stop Freaking E-mailing Your Daughter From Arizona."
Also she was the original Flo in the movie "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
And a lot of other things.
And she's Laura Dern's mother.
Laura Dern is from Jurassic Park.
With the dinosaurs.
Now leave me the Hell alone.
________________________________________________
I mean, in my opinion, when your parents go on vacation, it's a vacation for you, too, right?

Strong to the Finich

I can't believe a company thinks that sticking Popeye on a package of frozen spinach is going to get grown adults to buy it.



And the answer to your question: 3, but they were only 77¢ each.

Letter to Trader Joe's

Hi,
Today is my birthday. To celebrate, my co-workers bought me a Trader Joe's ice cream cake. The cake was purchased this morning and when it was served at 3 p.m., it was a lovely cake soup. It was nearly impossible to cut into pieces and would have been more appropriately consumed through a juice box.

We've checked the freezer here at work and everything else in it is actually frozen. We considered bringing the cake back, but the idea of dragging a dripping mass of melting dairy onto the subway did not sit well with us. Besides, we're the types who will eat anything, so we tolerated the liquid cake.

We were also going to take a picture to e-mail you, but most of us gathered were of the "Eh, I have a camera on my cell phone but I don't know how to use it" variety. I hope you will take my word for it; I do not make a yearly habit of pretending that my birthday cake melted in the hopes of receiving compensation from you in the form of a coupon for free "An Apple Walked Into a Bar" snacks. I mainly wanted to bring this to your attention so that, I don't know, maybe someone can check the freezer the cakes are in to make sure they're nice and cold. (Don't get me wrong, though. I'll take whatever you have!)

I look forward to the upcoming Fearless Flyer and spending the gift card to TJ's my sister purchased for me. I love you guys. You may be the only neighborhood grocery store whose melted ice cream I'll eat.

Best,
Carli E***n

On Hold

I'm just not that into blogging right now, so expect posts to be few and far between. I'm taking a writing class and the blog is only an unnecessary distraction from that. . . but mostly I just don't feel like blogging.

I'm on Facebook, so if you follow my blog and didn't just get here by misspelling "icarly" like 90% of the people who come to this blog via search engines, feel free to friend me--just put a little note in the request reminding me who you are, since I know so many of you only by your blog names. My Facebook updates are a lot like the short, nonsensical blog posts I used to write all the time. I'm also on Twitter--CarliEnt is my Twitter name.

L8r, G8r.

Letter to Starbucks, From Starbucks

I am sitting in Starbucks right now, trying to get some work done. There is a group of teenagers acting very badly--badly enough that they should be asked to behave or leave. They are pushing each other around, cursing constantly, and being very loud. One of them almost spilled his coffee on my laptop (and lap) several times when he was roughhousing with his drink in his hand. One just tried pouring water over another's head. Had he, it certainly would have hit my computer.
I know that this isn't a library, but I thought we had a deal: I buy Starbucks' drinks, and you let me sit here and work without having to worry about my safety or my computer. The man next to me just got up, made a disgusted face, and left. I might join him in a moment. This is not a way to run a business.